QUESTION:

A woman asked me, “I’ve realized that I cannot control my ADHD spouse who isn’t really interested in treating his ADHD symptoms. This is a bit scary, and very frustrating for me and know that it’s not healthy for our relationship. What can I “yes” do that might contribute to a brighter healthier future?”

Here is a piece of the larger answer:

Just like you said the real truth is you cannot control your ADHD spouse. Nobody controls ADHD or the person with ADHD except for the person who lives with it.  And the more the non ADHD spouse tries to be controlling the wider of a gap is formed within their marriage relationship and the more the ADHD person will refuse treatment. However, the way you see your situation and the meaning you give to it and what you can do about it is in your control

As an ADHD coach I always say, when one of the spouses (ADHD or not) takes this courageous stance as you are doing, it’s these people who are the true champions and role models for today’s society. This women is the architect who builds her house.

Start with making a decision; you can call it project relationship or whatever you please. The idea is to make clear + certain to yourself that it is a better, happier future with your husband, that you’re after. Because there is a lot going on in life and especially when children are also in the picture. It’s easy to forget and be distracted from what we really need. Therefore write this decision out on a piece of paper. Place it on your purse and try to make a habit to read it over at least once or twice a day in the beginning.

Tell your spouse “you know with all of the busyness of life I feel we haven’t had time in a long time to connect, and spend time together”, suggest the beginning of healing your relationship. Start with small talk, until you feel its safe enough to discuss issues related to ADHD. When speaking about ADHD, an empathetic tone is important. You are not attacking or blaming him. Try explaining to him how you have been feeling. Say “no one is to blame” “but I read a story of a couple dealing with ADHD and it seemed so similar to us and with a little help they were able to turn it around and live a fulfilled married life.” You have planted a seed in his head, don’t push him. Continue strengthening your connection with him, and in undemanding ways share with him some tools that are useful in treating ADHD. Slowly, He may warm up and take you up on the offer to treat the ADHD symptoms. If so make sure to contact a good ADHD coach. If your friend confided in you that she too is dealing with the same situation as you and told you “that she doesn’t want to nag her ADHD spouse all the time, but what can I responsibly do to help my situation?” what good words would you use to describe this woman?  A leader, caring, women of valor, extraordinary person, a role model, superwomen, etc. You just described yourself. Believe it and be proud of yourself.